


More Fun Than A Bucket Of Reproductive Discharge

by Mithrigil



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Gen, chatlog shenanigans, reverse xenokink, six solar sweeps, the birds and the bees
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-18
Updated: 2011-02-18
Packaged: 2017-10-15 18:05:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/163459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mithrigil/pseuds/Mithrigil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose and Kanaya chat about the human copulative process. The Troll peanut gallery offers commentary and suggestions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Fun Than A Bucket Of Reproductive Discharge

GA: And That Should Cover The Procedures And Nuances Of Troll Relationships  
GA: In Brief  
GA: There Are Those Who Make A Lifetime Of The Study Thereof  
GA: But For Day To Day Interaction With What Remains Of My Species I Believe This Should Be Sufficient  
TT: It should. Thank you. If I have any further questions I will inquire with expedience.  
GA: And I Will Make Myself Available To Answer  
GA: Which Brings Us To Several Questions I Have On The Nature of Human Courtship And Reproduction  
TT: I have to admit it’s strange to think about my own species from an anthropological perspective.  
GA: It Is  
GA: Consider It Payment In Kind For My Becoming A Temporary Expert On Troll Reproduction On Your Behalf  
GA: Considering I Am A Virgin With A Virgin Lusus  
TT: As if that wasn’t already apparent from your handle.  
GA: That Is Sarcasm  
TT: Sardonicism. But you’re getting the gist of it, yes.  
GA: Good  
GA: To Begin  
GA: Am I To Understand That Human Reproduction Requires Only Two Participants

“Hey Fussyfangs, you done over there yet?”

“No, Vriska, I’m not.”

“You’ve been sitting in front of that for like eiiiiiiiight hours already, jegus.” Vriska perches on the table beside the console, drumming her heels on the table-legs. “Who died and made you Karkat?”

“You, if you don’t shut the fuck up and do something constructive,” Karkat shouts from the other side of the room, already on his way over. “At least Kanaya’s doing something to get us out of this iron shitchute.”

“Yeah, unlike you, carcinoJunkforbrains, digging us deeeeeeeeper.” Vriska drapes herself over Kanaya’s screen and reads the chatlog. “—Wait, since when is this crap constructive?”

“Since it’s helping us better understand one another as species,” Kanaya says. “Also, please get off my monitor.”

“Not if you’re getting juicy d8ails like that! Hey everyone, come check this out! Kanaya’s got one of the humans talking a8out sex!”

“This I’ve gotta see,” Sollux says, and brings Feferi over with him.

Kanaya sighs, and focuses on her screen. Oblivious to the scandal she’s causing in the Veil, Rose goes on:

TT: Yes, only two. Oddly enough, the act isn’t rooted in emotion at all. I mean, desire is important, especially leading up to sex, and at least the male partner has to feel pleasure for the act to result in conception. And I hear it’s better if the partners have feelings for each other that you would describe as flushed. Or caliginous. Which I suppose puts human sexual desire rather firmly in the concupiscent half of your quadrants, though there are often conciliatory undertones to human relationships even in the case that they are sexual.  
TT: I’m rambling.  
GA: Ill Give You A Free Pass On That One  
GA: But Yes That Makes Sense  
GA: Its More The Presence Of Only Two Partners That I Find Confusing  
GA: How Do You Achieve Optimal Genetic Diversity

“W8, you only need two humans to make a grub?” Vriska screws up her face, and in the light of Kanaya’s monitor it looks wrinkly and ill.

“Two is an okay number,” Sollux says, resting his hand on the back of Kanaya’s chair. “It’s just strange.”

“Pounce!” Nepeta leaps in, narrowly dodging Karkat and landing securely on the other side of Kanaya’s computer. “Hey Kan _nyao_ ya! What’re you doing?”

“She’s talking to the Rose human about relationships!” Feferi claps her hands together and leans on Sollux’s shoulder, closing her eyes behind her goggles. “It’s exciting! But kinda gross.”

“Really? That’s so purrfect!” Nepeta bounds off the table and wraps herself around Equius’ arm and drags him over. “We might finally get a look at how humans get together!”

“It is Kanaya’s private conversation,” Equius says.

“Not anymore it isn’t,” Vriska says.

“FUCK, WILL EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP AND GO DO SOMETHING USEFUL SO WE CAN PRESERVE THE GODDAMN RACE?”

“Exactly, Karkat,” Terezi says, tapping her cane on the floor behind him. “Just what kind of PR3S3RV4T1ON did you have in mind?”

“Yeah, Kar-bunkle,” Vriska adds, leaning down and blocking out some of Kanaya’s screen. “Just what kind of preserv8ion is that?”

TT: The genetic diversity part is complicated and I think it might be better for you to talk to John, of all people remaining, about the manner in which human chromosomes combine. Suffice it to say that genetic diversity in a given specimen—a child—is more random than most of humanity is comfortable with.  
GA: I See  
GA: But There Are No Culling Practices  
TT: No overt ones, like you have. There is a certain degree of social pressure and external, societal culling that takes place, with the result that fewer people with undesirable genetic characteristics or genetic defects have child-producing unions.  
GA: It Seems Passive-Aggressive  
TT: It is. And anomalies exist in both directions: a human, for instance, with otherwise optimal intelligence and physical health might find himself disinclined to produce children because of homosexual desire—that is, desire for someone of the same biological sex as himself.  
TT: My mother complains about that sometimes, that so many “good men”—genetic providers—are gay.  
GA: Wait  
GA: In Order To Produce Children The Parents Must Be Of Different Sexes

“—FUCK,” Karkat says. “Now I know what John meant. I mean, will mean. I mean. Fuck.”

“What, when he kismesis-bulgeblocked you?” Vriska purses her lips sweetly. “And here I thought he was just being smarter than he looked.”

“No, he’s a fucking idiot. And apparently NOT A HOMOSEXUAL, whatever fucking relevance that has since he could produce children with us if he was. And if he was a troll. Or if ecto works on interspecies. Great. WAY TO LET YOUR OWN FUCKED-UP HUMAN CULTURAL PRACTICES GET IN THE WAY, JOHN.”

“I dare you to tell him that l8er.”

“SHOVE A CUEBALL DOWN YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE, VRISKA.”

“WWhat’s all this about?” Eridan asks.

“Kanaya’s got Rose talkiing about 2ex,” Sollux explains. “You should lii2ten iin, Eridan, you need all the help you can get.”

“Boys, _please_ ,” Feferi says before Eridan can make a retort. “Besides, he’s right. We could all use some kelp understanding them! Right, Nepeta?”

Nepeta, Kanaya sees at a glance, is already sketching designs for a new section of her shipping wall.

TT: Yes. One male, whose ejaculate contains one set of the possible genetic combinations, and one female, whose eggs contain the other half.  
GA: I Thought Humans Did Not Lay Eggs  
TT: We don’t. The eggs are fertilized inside the woman and remain there through gestation, at which point there is live birth.

The _EWWWWW!_ that rings out through the lab is universal, and Kanaya is not immune. With the part of Kanaya’s ears that hasn’t been temporarily deafened by Vriska’s shriek of EEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUGH!, Kanaya can summarily make out an _)(ow does that ---Even work?_ , a _wwhat the hell_ , a _W3LL TH3Y’R3 M4MM4LS, WH4T D1D YOU 3XP3CT?_ , a _D -- > Nepeta, I implorse you to avert your eyes and cover your ears!_ and, faintly, a _s0 what_.

“It’s a motherfuckin miracle,” Gamzee says quietly from his pile of horns. “Just. A motherfuckin. Miracle.”

“FOR THE FUCKING PITY’S SAKE OF THE DEAD MOTHER GRUB LUSUS ON KANAYA'S FRONT LAWN ON WHAT’S LEFT OF OUR SCRATCH-FUCKED CHUTEWIPE OF A PLANET THAT THESE FUCKTARDS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR DESTROYING, CAN’T WE JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE AND GO BACK TO TRYING TO FIX THE FUCKING TIMELINE?”

“Everyone, please, I Am Trying To Type,” Kanaya says.

GA: Sorry If That Took Too Long  
GA: It Is A Bit Loud In Here  
TT: That’s fine. Should I go on?  
GA: Some Clarification First  
GA: I Am Assuming These Are Soft-Shelled Eggs  
TT: Very soft, to the point where, when it bursts, it’s easily pulled out of the woman with the umbilical cord that attaches the child to the egg, or rather, the placenta. As I understand it, at any rate.  
GA: Only One Child At A Time  
TT: Usually. Twins and multiple carriages are much rarer.  
GA: That Is Something Of A Relief  
TT: So I hear.  
GA: For How Long Is The Child Carried  
TT: Forty weeks or so.  
GA: And In Alternian Measurements That Is  
TT: About a quarter of a solar sweep, maybe closer to a third.

“A third of a swweep!” Eridan wails.

“You’ve got no right to complain, Mister Seahorse,” Feferi says, swatting him playfully on the shoulder.

Vriska grits her teeth and winces. “I dunno, I’d make the man carry it if I was a human. Share the 8urden.”

Nepeta looks up from her sketching. “Is that what the bucket’s for?”

Equius promptly places his hands over her ears. Considering his strength, that gets a yowl out of Nepeta, and he pulls back instantaneously, apologizing.

“That’s better. And there’s no point, Equius! I’m older than you by at least a purrigee.”

GA: Rose You Must Understand  
GA: This Leaves Me Somewhat Confused About The Actual Fertilization Process  
TT: Oh. It occurs during sexual activity, not after. Since there’s no intermediary between copulation and conception, the fertilization occurs inside the woman.

“But what about the bucket?” Sollux asks.

GA: This Makes The Sexual Paraphernalia I Have Seen In Your Homes Somewhat Questionable  
GA: Is It Superfluous  
TT: Any paraphernalia at all is superfluous.  
GA: Oh  
TT: In fact, the people who use paraphernalia at all are distinguished by the fact that they do so. Apparently there are many complex rules for that. But the practice is not directly related to procreation except in that it occasionally results as such.  
GA: You Mean There Is No Species Requirement  
TT: Not at all. A lot of human pregnancies happen by accident, or at least uncontrolled. Again, because the fertilization occurs inside the woman’s body, there’s no way to determine whether the union produced a fertilization at all until after the medical complications show up, let alone what manner of child the union will produce.

“Ugh!” Vriska wrenches away from the screen and mimes vomiting. “That is the most disguuuuuuuusting thing I have ever heard.”

“Actually, I think that part sounds nice,” Tavros says.

“No one asked you, 8ucketlegs.”

“But it _does_ sound nice,” he says, not as daunted as he would have been a few lunar cycles ago, “I mean, having something that just you and your matesprit or maybe your kismesis created, and not having to give it up to any drones and, uh, have to wonder if you’ll ever see your offspring again.”

Vriska redoubles her retching noises until Equius claps her on the back, which sends her faceplanting into the floor.

Kanaya laughs, and resumes typing.

GA: So Humans  
GA: When Engaged In Copulation  
GA: Are Joined To One Another In Such A Way That The Male’s Genetic Material May Breach The Female’s Site Of Fertilization  
TT: Yes. During what’s called vaginal intercourse.  
TT: Your species has penetrative sex as well, but since you don’t have uteri or anything like that, it never results in procreation for you. So for you it’s purely pleasure.  
GA: Yes  
GA: So I Assume  
TT: It’s pleasurable for humans as well, and there are many sexual acts which are pleasurable but can’t result in a child, and are also not relegated to being performed by one man and one woman seeking to procreate.  
TT: Bear in mind that I am also making assumptions, as I have never engaged in sexual activity.  
GA: Of Course  
TT: So as I said. Sex in and of itself can be solely for pleasure. But only one kind of sex can induce pregnancy, and that’s between a man and a woman, with his sexual organ inserted into hers.  
GA: I See  
GA: The Opening Must Be Very Large To Allow The Child To Be Born  
TT: No, it is actually quite small, and remains closed when not being used for that purpose, otherwise the child would fall out. However, the bone structure around it is cavernous, and the muscle expands and contracts to aid in the birthing procedure.  
GA: So It Sphincters  
TT: No, that’s something else.  
GA: I Am Having Difficulty Envisioning This  
TT: I might have something saved on my computer, please wait a moment.  
GA: Of Course

“SHE’S SENDING YOU PORN?”

Kanaya is sure that Karkat isn’t the only one saying those exact words right now, but he’s the loudest so he might as well be.

“This is R1CH,” Terezi cackles. “I wonder if it’ll give us any 1D34S, huh, Karkat.”

The sound Karkat’s teeth make knocking together is disturbingly like the sound Kanaya’s fingers make on her keyboard. “Like fuck,” Karkat says, lower and more nervous than usual, “you can’t even see the picture.”

“I can if I lick the screen.”

“Ew!” Vriska’s the louder one this time, but Kanaya’s pretty sure she hears Feferi saying that as well. “You’re gonna lick a picture of humans fucking? Gross!”

“Why not? Humans lick each other all the time. 1SN’T TH4T R1GHT, Kanaya? After all, you’re becoming the 3XP3RT around here. Or I could ask Dave—”

“NO WAY.”

“It’s not like you C4R3, Karkat.”

“Perhaps it would be wise to restrein yourself from asking after Dave’s oral predil%ions.” Equius wipes away the sweat on his brow. “After all, considering the state of his hive, and his rearing, he is more...plushly inclined.”

TT: All right.  
TT: Somehow, in spite of all that has happened, I still have parental controls on my Internet service.  
TT: Never mind the circumstances under which I still have Internet service.  
TT: Anyway, this may be a mixed blessing, all things considered. The only semi-realistic renderings of female genitalia engaged and disengaged in penetrative sex that I have stored on this computer involve tentacles.  
GA: You Did Not Mention That Humans Have Tentacles  
TT: We don’t, so much the pity.  
GA: Is That Sarcasm  
TT: No.

tentacleTherapist wants to send file underfiend.jpeg

grimAuxilliatrix accepts transfer

For a few moments, the lab is nearly silent.

“Motherfucker,” Gamzee says.

TT: Figure A, if you will, shows the woman’s sexual center with lips closed and nothing inserted. Figure B shows just how much the canal can accommodate during intercourse. Again, please bear in mind that this example is a bit much, and not intended for an educational aid, but it’s what I had available.  
TT: I can ask Dave to send you something more realistic.  
GA: That Would Be Immeasurably Helpful

“I’ve got a chat open with Dave,” Tavros supplies, rushing over to his own terminal and tripping on the horn pile. “Just, uh, give me a second.”

“C4N 1 L1CK TH3 SCR33N?”

Kanaya joins the chorus of people telling Terezi “ _No,_ ” but she still isn’t louder than Karkat.

TT: So as you can see, an opening of that size accommodates and contracts to fit anything to about the girth of a closed fist, though even that’s unnecessary, and returns to its base state afterward. As the skull of a newborn child isn’t that much larger than a closed fist, it takes effort to disgorge the newborn child and thus it can gestate safely.  
GA: I Think I Understand  
GA: This Has Been Enlightening

“Hey, Dave’s sending something! These terminals run .avi, right?”

“They 5hould,” Sollux says. “Turn up the volume.”

“...That is not music,” Eridan says. “That is a travvesty.”

“Your face is a travesty,” Vriska says, apparently done checking that her horns haven’t dented the floor.

Equius tilts his head. “What is p00n?”

“I dunno, ask Kanaya—”

“it is a slang term for either the female sexual 0rgan 0r the pr0cess of achieving penetrati0n 0f it.”

At least half the room blinks and turns to look at Aradia, her metal carapace glowing in the light of her terminal.

“kanaya’s n0t the 0nly 0ne doing research,” she says.

Equius buries his face in the hem of his shirt.

GA: Dave Has Sent Us A Visual Aid  
TT: Does it involve puppets?  
GA: I Dont Think So  
TT: Then feel free to consult it.  
GA: Honestly This Is All Overwhelming  
GA: Also I Am Relieved To See That The Human Male Genitalia Is As Humorous In Appearance As It Is For Trolls

“HEY,” Karkat says. “...Is it really that funny looking?”

Equius quickly wipes his brow and stands up straight. “Certainly not! The majesty of the male form is without peer! It cannot be thrown, cannot be reined in, cannot be saddled!”

“shut up, equius,” Aradia says.

“Yes ma’am!”

TT: If Dave is responsible for the material in question, I advise you that the male organ is not usually so large as it appears on film.  
GA: That Does Not Dissuade Me From Thinking It Is Funny-Looking  
TT: If I may presume something about you, Kanaya, may I ask if you have ever experienced concupiscent desire for a male troll?  
GA: You May  
GA: And The Answer Is No  
GA: I Suppose By A Human Definition I Would Be Homosexual  
GA: Which Is Irrelevant To Troll Reproduction, As I Have Explained  
GA: But It Is Distressing To Hear That I Would Be Unable To Reproduce In Your Society  
TT: You would be able to produce artificially. And, to be fair, the societal constraints that would have otherwise prevented you from rearing a child are no longer relevant, as there is no longer a human society to speak of.  
GA: That Is Also A Mixed Blessing  
TT: Good sarcasm.  
GA Thank You

Kanaya looks over her shoulder at the remaining trolls, most of whom have congregated around Tavros’ computer to watch—or in Terezi’s case, taste—human pornography. Only Karkat remains nearby, sneaking glances over in that direction but holding his face in his hands, as if to stifle a blush or a nosebleed.

That’s fine, Kanaya can type this in front of Karkat.

GA: Can You Explain Some Things About Non-Reproductive Sex For Me Rose  
TT: With pleasure, Kanaya.


End file.
